This is who I have always been
by ZC70
Summary: S3xE5 how I think that Bellarke argument should really have played out.
Remember that Bellarke argument in Season 3 Episode 5 – well this is how I imagined it going

Enjoy.

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"Now I'm done." Octavia says from beside him. He barely acknowledges that she has spoken as his focus is solely on the unexpected blonde standing in front of him. Octavia closes the door on her way out, leaving Bellamy and Clarke alone to talk.

"Go easy on Octavia, I had to beg her to get me into camp." Clarke says with a small uncertain smile. He's so not ready for pleasantries or advice from Clarke.

"What are you doing here Clarke?" He bites out. He's not over her leaving and he's even more pissed than he had been now that she is siding with the grounders.

"We need to talk." Off course _she_ needs to talk. _Well float you_ , he thinks, _where have you been the last three months when I needed to talk!_

A disbelieving groan bursts from his lips, "You've decided that, the mighty Whanheda. Who chose the grounders over her own people, who turned her back on us when we came to rescue you. Now you want to talk?

He almost laughs at her surprise, did she really expect welcoming arms.

She ploughs on regardless."I came here to tell you the ice nation has paid a price. Justice has been served for the attack on Mount Weather. I came here to tell you it's over.

"There it is again." He cannot believe her audacity. "Why do you get to decide it's over?"

"We did our part."

"We?" He growls out - _who on earth is_ _We?_ It's certainly not him and Clarke anymore. He wants to shake her, to remind her that _they_ used to make these decisions together.

"Lexa and I." She says haltingly. She pauses, looking uncertainly at him as if to gauge his reaction to Lexa helping them.

"The problem was solved and then you let Pike ruin everything." She says with more confidence.

Enough was enough- he is so done with her. She left. She didn't come back – would she ever have come back if she'd not been caught. She didn't come home with him, when he tried to rescue her- protect her. She no longer gets to make the decisions.

"Why are you here Clarke?" He forces out.

"Arcadia needs to make things right. Or Lexa and the 12 clans will wipe us out."

"Let her try." He'd seen what a few automatic weapons could do- it sickened him, but he wasn't afraid of Lexa.

"Please tell me that going to war is not what you want." She looks so sincere. She just doesn't get it. He's been at war since the moment his feet hit the ground.

"We've been at war since we landed. At least Pike understands that." He says with conviction, not ready to share his concerns with her. She'd given up the right to be his confidant

"Pike is the problem. This isn't who you are." She says with confidence.

He wants to believe her, wants to be the guy that he grew to be when they led the delinquents. He's just not that guy anymore. He lost him somewhere between Clarke leaving and Gina dying. "You're wrong this is who I've always been."

She looks at him in utter disbelief. She knows this gorgeous dark haired man before her. She knows him better than he knows himself. She could hardly believe Octavia when she had told her how he had changed, how he was siding with Pike in his war against the grounders. She can see just how much this is hurting him. His eyes are like mirrors of his soul. He truly believes he has become the monster he thought he was back in the forest.

She moves forward abruptly to grasp his face between her hands.

"Bellamy I know you. I know you're hurting, but this is not the answer." She pleads with him, staring intently into his sorrowful eyes, hoping that he will understand. "Pike is not the solution. What you are doing is not going to bring Gina back. It's not going to help your grief. Turning yourself into a monster is going to kill you."

He jerks out of her hands, battering them away from his face in anger as he stumbles back from her, his eyes glistening with pain.

"Don't say her name!" He shouts at her. "You didn't know her, you weren't here."

He storms towards her, hurt and anger in his every move. She's not scared of Bellamy, but she backs up all the same. She doesn't want to be someone else that beats on him. Her ass hits the table behind her- she can't go back any further. She braces waiting for his next move.

He stops barely inches away her. His chest heaving, his breathing heavy like he'd just climbed a mountain. His dark eyes full of pain, as he chokes out. "You left me!"

The tears well up in her eyes, clouding her sight. It suddenly hits her- those three little words tell her just how much her leaving had affected him. The bottom drops out of her world. How could she have been so short sighted, so self centred? She'd not taken Bellamy's pain into account when she had made her escape. She'd honestly believed that he was much stronger than her, that he would cope and they would all be better off without her.

She throws herself at him, her arms around his shoulders and her face in the neck. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for leaving. I knew I could because they had you."

He stands rigid in her arms, almost like the time she surprised him at the gates. The difference this time is that she's not sure if he will give into her or push her away. She wants nothing more than to feel his warms arms surrounding her, to again seek solace from him and to offer him comfort in return.

Bellamy doesn't know how to respond to her closeness. He needs a moment to process. Two minutes ago he would just have thrown her off him and stomped out of the room, but hearing her apology had gone a long way to easy his pain. He gently grasps her arms to remove them, but she only holds on tighter.

"Bellamy please?" She pleads.

"Please what Clarke?" He asks, as his stands still on her arms, his grip loosening as he waits for her answer.

"Please just let me hold you." She begs. "I've missed you so much, I wanted to come back with you, but I was so scared." She pauses before going on. "Do you know what Whanheda means?

"Commander of death." He says quietly, his anger finally dissipating.

A heaving sob leaves Clarke's chest and he finally allows himself the relief of closing his arms around her and pressing his cheek onto her head- just breathing her in. It's something he's been wanting to do since he found her tied up and gagged.

"That's how I feel. I feel like the Commander of death. Everywhere I go death follows me. I wanted to come home, I wanted to be with you, with my mum and our friends, but I was so scared that I would bring death with me. Everyone I love dies Bellamy." She rasps this into his neck, barely above a whisper and stuttered with hiccupping sobs all the way through. "I couldn't bare it if you're next."

His arms grasp her tighter, trying to show her that she's not alone. He wants to say something to make it better, something to make her smile again, but he can't. If she's the Commander of death, then he is most definitely the King of it.

He moves his hands to Clarke's waist and lifts her up onto the table, so that he can properly look at her. Her head is bowed, her long her falling down the sides of her face. He grasps each of her hands in his, holding tightly and hoping she'll look at him. He finds himself quoting himself, trying to reassure her. "Who we are, and who we need to be to survive are very different things"

"You said that before." She sniffles, still not looking at him.

A small smirk appears on his face. "Good to know you were paying attention." Her small hands tighten around his.

He doesn't want to talk to the top of her head. "Clarke, look at me." She slowly raises her head to look at him. Her cheeks are red and blotchy, her eyes puffing from the tears, but he thinks that she's just as beautiful as ever.

"You are not the commander of death. What we did, we only did to save our people. You need to come home. I need you to come home." He tells her. She tries to smile at him, but it's a miserable smile.

"We can't continue to fight them Bellamy. Their numbers alone are against us. I took the alliance with them, to be the thirteen clan, solely to stop a war. If you can't beat them join them hmm?" She tries for that smile again- it's a little lighter than the last one. "I don't trust them, but if we're not at the table we have no say." Clarke eyes are clear with sincerity. He hadn't really doubted her loyalty. He was just so angry at everyone and everything – especially himself. Gina's death was on him- he'd put her in danger and then gone chasing after his heart when it should really have been with her in Mount Weather.

He pulls away from her, walking away and turning his back, he can't bare to see the disappointment in her eyes when he tells how bad things have become.

"I don't know what to do Clarke? Pike won the election fare and square. The people are behind him and I support him." He pauses, rubbing his hand through his hair, changing his mind. "I supported him. I helped him kill that grounder army. I helped him kill the injured." The memory of that night hitting him again- he feels physically sick. He collapses onto the ground- his knees hitting the floor hard, his arm coming round his stomach as though to hold himself together. "Clarke what have I become?" He pleads.

She jumps of the table rushing over to his side- her head pressing in between his shoulder blades her arms crossing over his. "You've not changed Bellamy. You're still doing your best for your people. But Pike, he's not a good leader. He's a man eaten away by his experiences on earth. He's been using you, he's manipulated you, used your grief and your need to protect everyone for his own agenda and not what is best for our people- not what has been best for you" She tells him. She feels him shuddering in her arms. She can feel his tears splashing onto her hands as she holds him. Her arms tighten around him, letting him feel her warmth. "You are not a monster, you are the person I trust most on this entire planet and I know that together we can find a better way to protect our people."

She sits behind him, holding him as he lets his grief and pain out, hoping that her strength is helping him. His shudders start to lessen and she feels his hands turning and enclosing hers.

"I was so angry at you for leaving me." He rasps, his voice still thick with his pain "I don't want to be angry anymore. I need you with me. I cannot do this alone."

"Together?" She asks

"Together."


End file.
